The day before the day before the BIG day

There is a disconnect between how I look, and how I feel. From the outside, I look like the picture of health. Maybe a little dark under the eyes, but that’s been the case since Melodie was born three and a half years ago. On the inside I am scared. I have always assumed, taken for granted, that I would watch my kids grow, and perhaps, someday, watch them raise their own children. What an unpleasant reality check the last week and a half has been. It has occurred to me many times, mostly at night, that my children could lose their mother before they have a chance to remember the love I have for them. This is a feeling that I would not wish onto anyone. Maybe that is a thought too depressing to share with all of you… But I have  noticed that an excess of 200 people view this blog per day. The number has grown steadily since it was created less than a week ago. People are doing as I have done – searching the internet for a story, or someone that can relate. So maybe some young mother out there is feeling as I am feeling now, and she might find comfort in knowing that she is not alone. That same person may also find comfort in knowing that these dark thoughts are outnumbered by feelings of awe at the wonderful outreach of support, beautiful messages, and kind gestures that have come from family, friends, and mere acquaintances. There has also been the effect that comes with potentially facing your own mortality – the world feels different. The little things stand out in a big way. You realize how lucky you are to be here today, breathing, living, enjoying the company of those family members, friends, and acquaintances. 

Thursday draws ever closer. The sooner it comes, the sooner it will be over with. Every moment is a step closer to finding out what this thing is, and what we are going to do about it. Either way, I’m going to kick it’s ass.



About TinaMuslimah

30 year old Muslim revert. Writing about life between two worlds.
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7 Responses to The day before the day before the BIG day

  1. Melissa says:

    Wow Tina, your blog made me cry. Then like you said it got better and I laughed!!! Kick it’s ass girl!!! I love you 🙂

  2. Larry says:

    Tina you are far to strong of a person , and your credited for that , toss those thoughts aside and remember that it WILL go well for you . Stay strong , keep your head held high . LOVE YOU TINA XOX

  3. Auntie, xox says:

    Beautifully written Tina, you warned me that it might be somewhat depressing,,,,nothing depressing about that because I know that it is normal I’m sure to have those taughts,,, and that’s all they are…”taughts”…I still feel very positive about this. It may be what you think it is and it may not, but one thing I know FOR SURE… that you have physical and mental strenght to fight and overcome “this”, IF it is “this”. I have no “ah maybe”, “hope that” or any of that “stuff”. You’ve always been a beautiful, positive, bubbly person…don’t let “this” change that….Love Auntie Joanne, xox

  4. Amelia Brooker says:

    Dear Tina, I’m an old friend of Melissa’s and I remember meeting you a few times at the apartment in Park Lawn. Your post was so moving, and I know your children already know how much you love them. You are in my thoughts and prayers… A quote from my favourite movie: “Kick it’s ass, Seabass!”
    Love, Amie Brooker

  5. NBoiler says:

    Hi Tina,

    I have been drawn to your blog since I began reading it. I know we barely know one another and have yet to do a shift together, but I just wanted to let you know that should there be anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask, even if you just need a listening ear. We are all in your corner, rooting for you to kick this right in the ass!! You are strong, positive and can do this!

    I’ll be thinking of you as you go through the biopsy later today and sending positive thoughts your way….all the best Girl! Take care of yourself.

    Stay strong,

    Melissa (Mel) Saucier

  6. Nicole Green says:

    Elizabeth has been getting extra hugs and kisses! Thanks for reminding us of THE most important things in our lives!

    Love Nicole

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