This road is well paved

I have cancer. It’s definitely cancer.

I went in for my needle biopsy this morning. I was strangely calm when I woke up. When I registered at clinic E, I was calm, confident, at ease – I surprised myself. They called my name, had me strip down, and handed me one of those ever-so-stylish hospital gowns with leftover ECG electrodes, from it’s last wearer, that clearly survived the wash. Either that or the dirty linen baskets at the hospital are one giant ruse and somebody just comes along and takes the dirty linen, folds it, and hands it out to the next unsuspecting patient. It always does gross me out to find old ECG electrodes on the johnny shirts. I can’t help but wonder what else the washing machine failed to remove. I dutifully pealed the sticker off before putting it on, like a backwards housecoat, and tied it around the front. And this is when the nerves finally hit me. I must have asked that poor nurse a hundred times if I’d be getting drugs, what drugs would I be getting, when the drugs would be coming, and please don’t forget my drugs.

I was wheeled to the ultrasound department and was met by a rather handsome radiologist. We’ll call him Dr. Handsome, MD. Now, keep your filthy little minds out of the gutter people, but Dr. Handsome squirted warm goo all over my abdomen (HAVEN’T YOU EVER HAD AN ULTRASOUND?! Don’t be so childish!) and applied the ultrasound transducer, or “wand” to you layman folk (haha), to my abdomen. I laid on that table for what seemed like an eternity, while Dr. Handsome muttered instructions like “push out your belly like you’re pregnant”. Finally he decided that going through my abdomen by ultrasound carried too great a risk of perforating my bowel with the giant needle. Good call, Dr. Handsome.

Next I was wheeled to CT (I held the blanket over my face so that just my eyes were peeking out, in case I saw a coworker in the distance. I have some issues). I was passed in and out of this CT scanner more times than I could count. First on my back, holding my breath, breathing, breathing out as hard as I can and then holding it. Then on my belly, with the same instructions. Then the drugs came! Fentanyl and Versed. The doctor alternated between sticking a huge needle in my back and putting me in the CT scanner. Back and forth, back and forth, more drugs, back and forth some more. It was over before I knew it. And then he told me that he was unable to obtain an adequate tissue sample so they would have to schedule a surgical biopsy. Crap. “Do you have a big enough sample to at least tell me if it’s malignant?”, I asked him. “Oh it’s definitely malignant. We just need a better tissue sample so we can determine what type of lymphoma you have so we know how to treat it”.

So that’s that. I have cancer. It’s lymphoma. Jury’s still out on what type & subtype. I’m feeling pretty good though. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but it’s been travelled by many people before me. I will look to those survivors who have fought this battle before me, and I will gather my strength from them.

To my coworkers: I’ll be back to stir shit before you know it. I have lots of time to think of some great pranks.

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About TinaMuslimah

30 year old Muslim revert. Writing about life between two worlds.
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9 Responses to This road is well paved

  1. Noella Thibeau says:

    I must completely agree with others before have said it you are an amazing writter. I’m hoping the best for you and your family and know that you will beat this Larry hands down. Can’t wait to see what pranks you’ll come back to work with. 🙂

  2. Auntie, xox says:

    Love to read it because I can actually hear your voice and feel your positiveness. LOVE IT!!! but most of all…..I LOVE U!!! XOX

  3. Melissa says:

    Every time I read your blog I am completely blown away. Words cannot explain how inspiring and strong you are. I can’t tell you enough how much I love you. I’ve never laughed, cried and read so much in my life 😉 Tina you’re amazing. Now, time to start threatening Larry and lets get rid of that asshole! (btw I’m not talking about our cousin Larry) lol xoxoxoxo

  4. Countrygal8 says:

    ❤ Tina you are such a strong woman! You gotta find that UFC in you and kick Larry's ass ok!!! If you ever have a sleepless nite or just need a distraction you can msg me at any normal or odd hours seeing as us crazy paramedics work all hours of the day and nite;) Just like I have been and will continue to do, I am thinkin and prayin for ya.
    Xoxo Cheryl

  5. je t’aime tina.
    i know it can be weird hearing it from your brother in law. but there. its out. you’re fucking awesome, extremely happy that you are part of my family and i wanted to let you know. i love you. we love you. carry on.

  6. Denise says:

    I’m stuck for words because I want to be all sappy and stuff however after reading your blog part of me feels like I want to high five you for being so freakin’ strong !!! Tabarnouche!!!! Kick this “thing”‘s ass !!!

    See you this summer.
    Hugs
    Denise

  7. Nicole says:

    We get to share diagnoses days! I say this like it’s a neat thing, when really it’s not! I’d much rather you weren’t diagnosed with cancer at all. Mom was telling me today that it has been 20 years since I was diagnosed and she thinks it was either yesturday or today that I was diagnosed. Let’s share the day when you get a clean bill of health too!

    Love and prayers

    Nicole

  8. Irma Thebeau says:

    I am married to your mom’s cousin Delphin Thebeau.I want to thankl you for letting us follow you on your blog,very interesting.Can’t get over the courage and strenght you have,half your battle is over just being so positive.I will say a prayer for you every night,Keep the courage,you will fight this.
    Its funny how that cancer can effect so many people in our lives,I have a brother that had colon cancer ,he’s doing great.A sister with ovarian cancer,just finished her treatments,doing real good ,again she had all the positive attitude a person could have,she’s 73 yrs.Another sister had a kidney removed due to cancer,she didn’t need treatments .Now she developed a cancer of the uterus,she will have surgery to have it removed on April 18th.Not sure yet if she will need treatments but doc said its possible,so you see there is all kinds of that disease in the world,we can only hope for the best…..
    Take care ,wishing you all the best during this time…….Love you your cousin Del and Irma from Moncton

  9. Sasha Cormier says:

    Tina,
    Sorry to hear about the rough time that you are going through. Glad you have a diagnosis and are on your way to treatment.
    Please let me know if there is anything I can do or say… or anything.
    My thoughts are with you and Frank.
    Sasha

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