How I feel about feelings

I’m a little late on this blog. The truth is, I wasn’t sure what to write. The usual recap of my day doesn’t do justice to the amazing (and surprising) compliments that I have been given regarding my writing. I know that beyond the curiosity about medical procedures and dates and appointments, many of you have been curious about my…feelings. And the truth about that is I shudder at the mere mention of feelings. Contrary to the image that I must seem to project by writing about myself on a public forum, I am actually a very private person. My own feelings make me uncomfortable, and so I usually I bury them. Consequently, I am sometimes uncomfortable with other people’s emotions, and also not so very good at comforting. I am also a deeply empathetic person, which may seem contradictory, but it explains why I avoid intensely emotional situations. I avoid talking about things that may evoke unpleasant emotions, because I don’t want you to feel bad. So I keep them to myself. This is how I have functioned for as long as I can remember. It has been called, quite aptly, an emotional disconnect. It has caused me to exhibit some “thrill seeking behavior”. I have squashed my emotions so well over the last twenty or more years, that it has left a sort of numbness. I seek out intense highs to feel anything; like a save at work. Of course, I needed another person’s perspective to see this. I sought out the help of a therapist when it became evident that my lack of emotional connection was eroding the foundation of my relationships. I suspect that some of my coworkers have the same issues. Most of us have very similar personality types, after all.

So why am I telling you all this? First of all, telling you that I have sought out the help of a therapist is enough of an embarrassing admission, but I’ve let you all catch a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. I am making a change. If one thing has become painfully clear in the last few weeks, it is that there is no time like the present to become better than who we are; to evolve as individuals. I will allow myself to feel, and to be honest with myself, and those I care about. I will not deny fear, sadness, or the fleeting “why me”. But I will not let those feelings overcome my sense of humor, or my optimism. I will not let negativity seep into the pores of my being. I will not let cancer permeate my existence.

I am scared when I think about the unknown. I am sad when I think of time with my children cut short. I am happy for the time I have now. I am grateful for the people by my side, despite my shortcomings (Frank, I’m mostly looking at you).

That’s the honest truth.


About TinaMuslimah

30 year old Muslim revert. Writing about life between two worlds.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to How I feel about feelings

  1. Countrygal8 says:

    You’re an inspiration Tina 🙂 very brave of you to be open about your emotions. By seeing you open abou it you encourage others to do the same. Xoxo

  2. upperkate says:

    You’re definitely honest found myself in parts of what you were saying (I can relate to thoughts for sure) and I totally understand where you are coming from… some of the ways. Another blog from the mind and heart-thanks for writing/sharing

  3. Nathalie-Anne Fleury says:

    I’ve read all your posts up to now. I have never met you. I went to high school with Frank. I have to say your writing is simply incredible. YOU WILL BEAT THIS LARRY. no doubt in my mind. I find myself thinking about you at random times wondering how you are doing. Like I said I do not know you but I can say with certitude you are amazing. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. 🙂 Nathalie-Anne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s