I’m a little late on this blog. The truth is, I wasn’t sure what to write. The usual recap of my day doesn’t do justice to the amazing (and surprising) compliments that I have been given regarding my writing. I know that beyond the curiosity about medical procedures and dates and appointments, many of you have been curious about my…feelings. And the truth about that is I shudder at the mere mention of feelings. Contrary to the image that I must seem to project by writing about myself on a public forum, I am actually a very private person. My own feelings make me uncomfortable, and so I usually I bury them. Consequently, I am sometimes uncomfortable with other people’s emotions, and also not so very good at comforting. I am also a deeply empathetic person, which may seem contradictory, but it explains why I avoid intensely emotional situations. I avoid talking about things that may evoke unpleasant emotions, because I don’t want you to feel bad. So I keep them to myself. This is how I have functioned for as long as I can remember. It has been called, quite aptly, an emotional disconnect. It has caused me to exhibit some “thrill seeking behavior”. I have squashed my emotions so well over the last twenty or more years, that it has left a sort of numbness. I seek out intense highs to feel anything; like a save at work. Of course, I needed another person’s perspective to see this. I sought out the help of a therapist when it became evident that my lack of emotional connection was eroding the foundation of my relationships. I suspect that some of my coworkers have the same issues. Most of us have very similar personality types, after all.
So why am I telling you all this? First of all, telling you that I have sought out the help of a therapist is enough of an embarrassing admission, but I’ve let you all catch a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. I am making a change. If one thing has become painfully clear in the last few weeks, it is that there is no time like the present to become better than who we are; to evolve as individuals. I will allow myself to feel, and to be honest with myself, and those I care about. I will not deny fear, sadness, or the fleeting “why me”. But I will not let those feelings overcome my sense of humor, or my optimism. I will not let negativity seep into the pores of my being. I will not let cancer permeate my existence.
I am scared when I think about the unknown. I am sad when I think of time with my children cut short. I am happy for the time I have now. I am grateful for the people by my side, despite my shortcomings (Frank, I’m mostly looking at you).
That’s the honest truth.