How I feel about feelings

I’m a little late on this blog. The truth is, I wasn’t sure what to write. The usual recap of my day doesn’t do justice to the amazing (and surprising) compliments that I have been given regarding my writing. I know that beyond the curiosity about medical procedures and dates and appointments, many of you have been curious about my…feelings. And the truth about that is I shudder at the mere mention of feelings. Contrary to the image that I must seem to project by writing about myself on a public forum, I am actually a very private person. My own feelings make me uncomfortable, and so I usually I bury them. Consequently, I am sometimes uncomfortable with other people’s emotions, and also not so very good at comforting. I am also a deeply empathetic person, which may seem contradictory, but it explains why I avoid intensely emotional situations. I avoid talking about things that may evoke unpleasant emotions, because I don’t want you to feel bad. So I keep them to myself. This is how I have functioned for as long as I can remember. It has been called, quite aptly, an emotional disconnect. It has caused me to exhibit some “thrill seeking behavior”. I have squashed my emotions so well over the last twenty or more years, that it has left a sort of numbness. I seek out intense highs to feel anything; like a save at work. Of course, I needed another person’s perspective to see this. I sought out the help of a therapist when it became evident that my lack of emotional connection was eroding the foundation of my relationships. I suspect that some of my coworkers have the same issues. Most of us have very similar personality types, after all.

So why am I telling you all this? First of all, telling you that I have sought out the help of a therapist is enough of an embarrassing admission, but I’ve let you all catch a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. I am making a change. If one thing has become painfully clear in the last few weeks, it is that there is no time like the present to become better than who we are; to evolve as individuals. I will allow myself to feel, and to be honest with myself, and those I care about. I will not deny fear, sadness, or the fleeting “why me”. But I will not let those feelings overcome my sense of humor, or my optimism. I will not let negativity seep into the pores of my being. I will not let cancer permeate my existence.

I am scared when I think about the unknown. I am sad when I think of time with my children cut short. I am happy for the time I have now. I am grateful for the people by my side, despite my shortcomings (Frank, I’m mostly looking at you).

That’s the honest truth.

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About TinaMuslimah

30 year old Muslim revert. Writing about life between two worlds.
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3 Responses to How I feel about feelings

  1. Countrygal8 says:

    You’re an inspiration Tina 🙂 very brave of you to be open about your emotions. By seeing you open abou it you encourage others to do the same. Xoxo
    Cheryl

  2. upperkate says:

    You’re definitely honest found myself in parts of what you were saying (I can relate to thoughts for sure) and I totally understand where you are coming from…..in some of the ways. Another blog from the mind and heart-thanks for writing/sharing

  3. Nathalie-Anne Fleury says:

    I’ve read all your posts up to now. I have never met you. I went to high school with Frank. I have to say your writing is simply incredible. YOU WILL BEAT THIS LARRY. no doubt in my mind. I find myself thinking about you at random times wondering how you are doing. Like I said I do not know you but I can say with certitude you are amazing. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. 🙂 Nathalie-Anne

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